Renowned Theologians, Speakers, and Clerics Brought Back from the Dead for this Once in Forever Event!
Including
Eyewitness Accounts of Hospitality Room Brawls!
and
Church Council Highlights Over the Centuries!
KEYNOTE ADDRESS
Faith Without Creeds is Dead!
Free Admission To Workshops by Church Fathers and Other Really Smart People!
With Special Guests!
The Apostles including Paul! Church Fathers Athanasius, Arius, Tertullian, Origen and others. Emperor Constantine himself and cameo appearances by John Calvin, Lewis Carroll, and many others.
No one quite knew what to expect when Tertullian’s name appeared on the program. Most Ancient Theological All-Stars are known as “Church Fathers” but Tertullian was more like an eccentric “Church Uncle”. Some of his views were at odds with mainstream opinions and were suppressed and ignored in later years due to official disapproval. By and large most people just shrugged their shoulders and said, “Well that’s old Tertullian for you!”
Tertullian Was a Great Satirist!
Tertullian was a delightful satirist too! Theologians are not known for having much of a sense of humor since they take most things, including themselves, very seriously. Tertullian, on the other hand, seems to have been cut from different cloth! It was rumored he was secretly pleased that his most ardent fans liked to call him Uncle Turtle. When the topic of his speech was announced there was little doubt that it would be fascinating and entertaining and he did not disappoint!
Tertullian Said the Son Was Not Co-Equal!
Moderator: Our speaker today is fondly called Uncle Turtle by many and is a true theological giant. He may have fallen out of favor with some Church Fathers but his keen observations earned him a place in church history and in our hearts. However, his insistence the Son was not co-equal with the Father really aggravated some of his peers! This may have hurt his book sales but Old Turtle just kept plodding along and saying what he thought anyway. You gotta love a guy like that! So with no further ado I give you our non-conformist and always interesting Uncle Turtle!
Audience: Warm applause and shouts of “We love you Uncle Turtle!”
Tertullian: Thank you everyone! Thank you so much for such a warm welcome! I know it can be hard to feel kindly toward someone who doesn’t share all your opinions so this heartfelt reception means a lot to me! What an honor and a privilege it is to be here at this reunion! We all know this is never going to happen again so let’s just make the most of it! Isn’t this the most incredible palace ever? The buffet is out of this world and those casino games really grab your attention! All the pretty young ladies almost make it hard to think about spiritual things so please try to concentrate! On a more serious note I’ve heard about the Emperor’s troubles and wish him a speedy recovery.
Jesus Failed to Teach Us Anything About the Trinity!
Tertullian: Today I want to share a few thoughts with you about the greatest Teacher of Parables the world has ever known. It is a miracle that Jesus managed to convey such profound spiritual truths without using the big words we theologians love so much! We stand in awe at the depth and beauty and power of His words. Sadly, and as you well know, His parables are also woefully incomplete! Somehow or another He failed to address the critically important issues that matter to theologians when we are busily writing our creeds! We must face facts and admit that Jesus neglected to teach us anything about the Trinity! He even forgot to command us to write a creed!
Audience: Shocked silence. No one knew what to say to such bold speech.
Jesus Did Not Give Us the Parables We Need!
Tertullian: Yes, it is shocking to say out loud that the Son of God failed to give us the teachings and parables we need! He did not provide us with any support for our systematic theology! You know it’s true! He claimed to have told us “all things” but can we find even one single solitary parable about the Triune God? Where in Jesus’ teachings is there any attempt at all to explain the Holy Trinity? Where is it I ask? The answer is distressing… it is not there!
Jesus Failed to Teach Any Parables About the Trinity!
What an incredible oversight! You all know there is nothing more important in our theology than the doctrine of Three Persons in One God! How can it be that Jesus completely failed to give us a single parable about the Triune God? It looks like the greatest Teacher the world has ever known really dropped the ball on this one brethren, and that is why we had to come up with our own parables. (continued in Part II)
PS: We’re glad you’ve taken the time to read about Tertullian and his thoughts on the Parables Jesus Forgot to Teach. We’re not done yet so please come back for more on our next post!
PPS: If you are enjoying this website and maybe even seeing church history more clearly, then why not share theologyallstars.com with a friend? Thanks and God Bless.
The Janitor and the Servant Girl were both at the First Great Church Council (in Nicea 325 A.D.) and the much later All Stars Reunion in Las Vegas. Since they were already dead they felt they could talk about things freely. The Scribe just wanted to listen and write it all down for posterity.
The Janitor, the Servant Girl, and the Scribe
Pragmatticus (the Janitor) was a practical sort of guy who only cussed when provoked. He struggled to avoid swearing too much at church councils but sometimes all the nonsense just got the best of him. Historical accounts suggest he cussed a lot in Nicea.
Sally (the Servant Girl) witnessed the ecclesiastical combat and maneuvering going on in Nicea. She was injured in the legendary social hour brawl that took place just after the welcome prayer. Sally is still afraid of Churchmen and stutters whenever she tries to say words like denomination, tradition or creed. Theological terms are especially hard for her. Medication has failed to control her twitching when she hears the words, “Let us pray.” She still feels uncomfortable around Christians and tries to avoid religious types.
Meticulus (the Scribe) was a clear-eyed reporter who tried to see as much as he could and write it all down. He was known to be pretty serious in a light-hearted sort of way and was called Ticulus by his friends.
Church Councils Don’t Bring Peace
Pragmatticus and Meticulus met at the first Council a very long time ago and realized they had a lot in common. We found Pragmatticus cleaning up the social hall and getting things ready for the Reunion. His encounter with Meticulus and Sally follows in its entirety.
Meticulus: Well Prag you old cuss! It’s good to see you! This promises to be quite an event.
Pragmatticus: Only time will tell Ticulus, only time will tell. I sure hope things turn out better than last time they got together. I never saw a crowd who could make a bigger mess out of things! I thought they were supposed to straighten out all those big religious issues they were so worked up about! You know, stir up some harmony and peace, but all they did was fight! They sure despised each other.
The Nicene Council Was Divisive
I wonder if they knew or even cared how bad they looked to the rest of us. They were excommunicating each other left and right and then things really started getting ugly. That old Athanasius has a mean right hook and Arius could kick like a mule! They were kicking and scratching and gouging like nobody’s business. The brawl they started left the whole place in shambles. It took all the strength I had to keep from cussing a blue streak in Greek. They didn’t even try to clean up the mess they made. Sally was so put off by all their bad manners she figured the best thing was just to avoid Christians altogether, especially the ones who think they’re important.
The Meek Inherit the Earth
Meticulus: Hey isn’t that Sally setting up the punch bowl over in the corner? She sure looks nervous about something!
Pragmatticus: You probably shouldn’t call it a punch bowl around her Ticulus. Sally was just starting to serve punch when the first brawl started in Nicea and she took more than a few stray punches by the time it was all over. She still flinches when anyone even says the word punch around her. Might be a good idea to call it the beverage bowl when she’s in earshot. Poor girl still twitches a lot even on a good day.
Meticulus: Servants aren’t much good in religious fights are they Prag? They probably shouldn’t even be in places like this. Meekness is just fine most of the time, “inherit the earth” and all that but around here it’s not worth a plug denarius. I think we should get her a set of earplugs. I worry about the poor girl Pragmatticus. The more she hears the more she twitches.
Pragmatticus: Those hi-tech noise-cancelling headphones are nice but they’re pretty conspicuous. I’d hate to see her get thrown out of here just for trying to cut down on all the noise coming her way.
PS: The Reunion is just getting ready to start and there’s lots more to come! Come back soon to see what happens next… and if you have a few moments please share a link to theologyallstars.com with someone you know.
There was a lot of excitement at the front desk when the Emperor checked in. It all started when the desk clerk asked him how he wanted to pay for his room and then asked for a major credit card. Constantine was mightily offended that anyone would ask him to pay for lodging in his own palace and things went downhill in a hurry!
Constantine Was Weary From His Travels
Desk Clerk: Good afternoon Mr. Constantine! I see the Imperial Suite is reserved for you for all week. You just need to sign this form and provide your credit card in case there are any incidental charges. By the way, that’s a terrific costume you’re wearing! You look like a real Roman Caesar!
The Emperor: Have your servants escort me to my quarters immediately and whatever else you have said is of no importance. Make haste for I am weary from my travels and will have no more patience with your impertinence!
Desk Clerk: I’m sorry Mr. Constantine but this is hotel policy and there are no exceptions. It only takes a minute and then we’ll be happy to take you to your suite.
Constantine Threatens the Desk Clerk!
The Emperor: One more word young fool and I will have your head! I command you to kneel at your Emperor’s feet and your life will be spared.
Desk Clerk: Oh my goodness Mr. Constantine! Are you really threatening to kill me? That would be a real mistake even if you are just joking.
The Emperor: Enough! Emperors do not make mistakes! Guards! Slay this impudent wretch before my eyes. Do not let another breath or another word pass her lips!
Desk Clerk: (Over the hotel PA system) All Hotel Security report to the front desk immediately! Code Crazy in progress! Repeat… Code Crazy in progress. Do not delay! Suspect is deranged and threatening violence!
WARNING: The following events were captured on video tape and may be disturbing to some viewers. (Copies of the DVD are currently sold out but will be available soon.)
There were costumed casino employees on the scene looking just like Roman soldiers with fake spears and swords. When Constantine ordered them to kill the desk clerk they laughed and said, “Sure thing Connie! We’ll get right on that as soon as we finish our coffee break!” That made the Emperor so mad he commanded everyone in the room who was loyal to Rome to kill everyone who wasn’t!
Emperor Constantine Was Foaming at the Mouth!
Hotel guests couldn’t tell whether the scene was real or staged for their entertainment. The “Imperial Guards” were laughing their silly butts off. Constantine started foaming at the mouth when hotel security guards (the real ones) handcuffed him and told him to be quiet. When the Emperor commanded everyone to kneel again the lobby erupted with laughter and applause. The timing seemed perfect when the Reunion organizers and casino owners showed up and whisked everyone away to the absolute delight of the onlookers.
The Casino Wanted to Hire a Roman Caesar!
We can only imagine the conversations that took place behind closed doors but the desk clerk seemed relieved, the “Imperial Guards” finished their coffee break and the hotel guests who witnessed it all went home with a great story to tell their friends.
Reliable sources later reported that Casino management was so impressed with Constantine’s performance that he was offered his own show at a very handsome rate. Unfortunately, for us it never happened and we must be content with these fond memories and thoughts of what might have been.
PS: Well, that’s a true and accurate account of what happened at the Theology All-Stars Reunion when Emperor Constantine arrived. It still makes us smile just to think of it. You can share a smile with someone today by sending them a link to theologyallstars.com. Thanks and God Bless.
I grew up in the days when parents were not afraid to let their children roam a little so we had the freedom to explore and camp out in the fields and woodlots around us. We told scary stories late at night and cooked over campfires and sometimes we talked about God. We wondered about about eternity and infinity and the mystery of the the night sky and about God Himself. I think they were the best conversations I ever had about God.
Children Ask Good Questions
We often camped out in fields of clover under a starry Michigan sky and we asked good questions! Questions like how did God Himself get started? What is beyond infinity and what was before eternity? We stretched our minds as only children can and the night sky above us was our classroom. We realized that the mystery of it all was just too big for us to grasp. I’m much older now but I can still smell the sweetness of that clover field and remember the sense of wonder we breathed in.
Negotiating With God
I recall another starry night too. It was on Lake Huron and I was a teenager standing alone on the bowsprit of a old wooden sailboat sailing north in the middle of the night. The mystery and glory of the night sky was so beyond words that I started negotiating with God! “Lord! You walked on water once and showed yourself to your disciples so how about doing that again right now? I promise I won’t tell anyone, it’ll just be between me and you!” ( I thought there was at least a chance He might show Himself to me!) Well I gave it everything I had and tried to cajole Him into appearing, but it didn’t work.
Finally… A Vision of God That Satisfies the Heart
I’m thankful that many years later God finally answered my prayer and opened my eyes enough so that I could begin to know Him and see Him more clearly. If you are reading this I have a hunch you are also someone who is drawn to knowing and seeing God more clearly. My prayer for you is that God will grant you an understanding of the Mystery of God that satisfies your heart and your mind too. Thanks for bearing with my ramblings. I’m glad you came to visit our blog and hope you’ll come again.
He struggled to avoid swearing too much at church councils but sometimes all the nonsense just got the best of him. Historical accounts suggest he cussed a lot in Nicea.
Meticulus (the Scribe) was a clear-eyed reporter who tried to see as much as he could and write it all down. He was known to be pretty serious in a light-hearted sort of way and was called Ticulus by his friends.