It’s Greek To Me – Part II

Arius Was History’s Biggest Loser

Moderator: Well folks let’s keep moving on. Now it’s time hear from our next speaker, Arius. He may have represented most of the Christians of his era but that didn’t keep him from losing his debate with Athanasius. What a shock it must have been to the majority of believers to wake up one morning and discover they had become a heretics overnight! That’s how it goes when your side loses and Arius lost for everyone when he lost to Athanasius! Let’s give a real All-Stars welcome to one of history’s biggest losers, Arius of Alexandria!

Arius’ Writings Were Confiscated, Banned and Burned

The Audience: Tepid applause. One heckler shouted, “I hope you’ve come to your senses Arius!” Another yelled, “It’s a good thing you’re already dead Arius! Otherwise we’d probably have to take care of that for you!”

Arius: Hello everyone! It is so nice to see you again too! I think you all know the Reunion organizers asked me to take part in this panel discussion as the official ambassador for the ancient theological term homoiousios! I was hoping passions and tempers had cooled down a little since Nicea but maybe not! By the way, I put some of my writings on the back table but I see they’ve already been confiscated and burned so please feel free to distort and censor my comments in any way you like!

Was Jesus Subordinate to His Father?

Quoting Jesus can get you in a lot of trouble! If you stop and think about Jesus’ statement “My Father is greater than I” it doesn’t look like there is any co-equality between the Father and the Son does it? Jesus actually said a lot of things that showed how much He was submitted to His Father’s will. I know it upsets some people to say that the Father is greater than the Son but it didn’t upset Jesus! It’s pretty clear that’s what He believed. Jesus is the Son of God, the Lamb of God and our Savior, Redeemer and Lord. He is the Messiah and even more, but He is not co-equal with the Father! You can’t create co-equality without homoousious and you can’t create the Trinity without co-equality! That’s why I wasn’t too fond of it… even if it is Athanasius’ favorite word.

Audience: Heresy! Nonsense! Blasphemy! Why should we even listen to him?

Is Denying Homoousious a Damnable Heresy?

Athanasius: Damnation Arius! Yes damnation upon you and your damnable ideas and your damnable words! If you deny Homoousious you have denied Jesus’ co-equality with the Father! And to deny homoousious is to deny our beloved Trinity! If I had a good stick I’d smite you on the head right now!

Arius: Hold on a minute Ath! I thought we were having a panel discussion and I’m not done talking yet! Don’t you think you should at least hear me out? I want to talk a little about homoiosious and why so many theologians thought it was a pretty good word before and even after the Council in Nicea.

Athanasius: We’ve heard enough Arius! … and don’t call me Ath! I don’t like it.

The Audience: That’s right Arius! He’s not your Ath, he’s our Ath and don’t you forget it!

Athanasius: What say ye everyone? Shall we give him the brass boot of fellowship and send him packing? Ignore everything he just said! Why I’ve got half a mind to read the Athanasian Creed out loud right now. That way you can all remember how you are supposed to think just in case anyone has forgotten!

The Audience: Great idea! Go ahead Athanasius! Lay it on us!

Athanasius: (Blushing) Well alright then if you insist. Here goes…

The Athanasian Creed

“ Whoever wants to be saved, before all things it is necessary that he hold the catholic (universal) faith; which faith unless everyone keeps it whole and undefiled, without doubt he will perish everlastingly. We worship one God in Trinity, and Trinity in unity, neither confounding the Persons nor dividing the substance. (and so on and so forth, etc. etc.) But the whole three Persons are coeternal, and coequal. So that in all things, as was said before, the Unity in Trinity, and the Trinity in Unity, is to be worshipped. He therefore that will be saved must thus think of the Trinity.”

Pragmatticus thought it sounded like puffed up nonsense and tried not to laugh.

Meticulous said: That doesn’t sound at all like scripture! Ideas like Divine Substance and Homoousious don’t have anything to do with the Bible!

Arius said: That’s what I’ve been trying to say! Jesus Himself didn’t believe in this co-equality stuff so why should we?

What Does Jesus Think of the Athanasian Creed?

Jesus had not been consulted about the Athanasian Creed and some attendees thought they heard Him say, “My Father is greater than I.”

The Apostle Paul protested: “Beware lest men spoil you with philosophy and vain deceit! To us there is one God, the Father! There is one God and one Mediator between God and men, the man Christ Jesus!”

The Apostle Peter said: Amen!

The Nicene Creed Caused a Lot of Trouble

Athanasius: Got red in the face then jumped out of his seat and started choking Arius. This started the legendary Panel Discussion Brawl at the All Stars Reunion.

Emperor Constantine: Showed up just as Athanasius started choking Arius. He had finally been released from custody! He was a little confused and behind schedule because his medications were slowing him down a bit. When he saw the ruckus starting it reminded him of Nicea and he shouted, “This is just like the good old days!”

Many thought the ugly conflicts resulting from the Athanasian Creed were unfortunate and deeply embarrassing. These “doubtful disputations” were an ugly blemish on the faith!

A few claimed they heard Jesus say: “By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if you have love one to another.”

Sally the Servant Girl took it on the chin again and fell to the floor in a heap.

Pragmatticus finally had enough and just started cussing.

Hotel Security Guards did their best to restore order.

And then the Moderator said: This concludes our panel discussion. Will someone please call 911? I think Sally is hurt! We want to thank you all for coming and would like to invite everyone to the fellowship hall for refreshments as soon as the fighting stops!

PS: We wonder if the Athanasian Creed seemed so weak to its authors that the only way to protect it was by burning and banning the writings of those who disagreed. Was it really necessary or even remotely Christian to sentence people to death for reading opposing ideas? That’s what it took though to establish the primacy of trinitarian doctine in the church. We don’t think Biblical truths are confirmed by majority votes in councils or by violence either.

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Let’s Ignore Jesus!

Jesus Was a Radical Non-Trinitarian

One of the touchiest issues that came up at the All Stars Reunion was how to deal with all the disruptive things Jesus taught. Our discussions about His radical ideas were spirited and controversial to say the least! Everyone knew that Jesus Himself had never espoused anything remotely like the Trinity. Even though we voted it into existence by a clear majority Jesus Himself was the “odd man out” on this issue. This created no end of theological problems for us but we never gave up on it. No sir! If anything, whenever anyone challenged our formulation of God it just stiffened our resolve! The challenge Jesus presented to our theology was altogether different since He was the Son of God and all. At first it was hard for us to resist His teachings but eventually we figured out a way. We just ignored them!

Was Jesus a Heretic?

There were a few stalwarts who actually thought we should excommunicate Jesus because of His unorthodox claim that the Father was greater than He. After all, our creeds insist Jesus and the Father are co-equal and we had a long history of excommunicating people who dared to disagree with us. The proposal caused quite a stir at first but was finally rejected because it seemed too crazy, even for us. Cooler heads realized that officially banishing Jesus from the faith meant we’d have to excommunicate the apostles too! We knew in our hearts that excommunicating Jesus and the apostles to preserve our creed would be terribly unpopular with the masses, so we didn’t do it.

Ignoring Jesus Works Just Fine!

We decided it would be much better to simply ignore the teachings of Jesus rather than oppose them directly and openly! Fortunately, there was a lot of precedent for this and it has the distinct advantage of being something many believers are already familiar with! The essence of this approach was eloquently expressed by Rev. D. James Kennedy, the once famous (but now deceased) religious broadcaster and is printed below.

The Apostles’ Creed Ignores Jesus’ Teachings!

“Many people today think that the essence of Christianity is Jesus’ teachings, but that is not so. If you read the Apostle Paul’s letters, which make up most of the New Testament you will see that there is almost nothing said about the teachings of Jesus. Throughout the rest of the New Testament, there’s little reference to the teachings of Jesus, and in the Apostles’ Creed, the most universally held Christian creed, there’s no reference to Jesus’ teachings. There is also no reference to the example of Jesus. Only two days in the life of Jesus are mentioned – the day of His birth and the day of His death. Christianity centers not in the teachings of Jesus, but in the Person of Jesus…

Ignoring Jesus is a Clever Idea!

To this we simply say WOW! THANKS A MILLION REV. KENNEDY! It is truly clever to say that Jesus is central to the faith but His teachings aren’t really so important! Once we were able to dispense with Jesus’ teachings it was a piece of cake for us to create creeds, doctrines and traditions that we liked better. It took a lot of doing at first but we reinforced our own teachings by discouraging believers from even reading the words of Jesus. We encouraged people to trust in us instead of trusting in scripture! We really got our point across by killing anyone caught owning or reading the Bible in spite of our orders. This was a brilliant move and it worked like a charm!

Some Good Old Theological Razzle Dazzle!

Eventually most people were so under our sway that even if they did read the Bible it didn’t really matter. All it took was some good old theological razzle dazzle and people believed whatever we told them while they still claimed to believe in scripture alone! People would read a verse and fail to see what it said! They would listen to the words of scripture and not hear them! “They have eyes to see but they see not and ears to hear but they hear not.” Maybe they didn’t hear what Jesus said but they sure heard us!

Jesus Says God is One… We Say God is Three

Jesus teaches that God is One but we teach that God is Three… and just ignore what Jesus said! This works so well that most Christians solemnly affirm that God is three persons and not one. When some people protest that the Bible says something different than our trinitarian dogma we tell them their problem is that they want scripture to mean what it says. Then we patiently and cleverly explain that scripture does not always mean what it says and they believe us!

Never Argue With Jesus… Just Ignore Him!

We never argue with Jesus’ teachings! We have found it is better to just ignore His words and promote our own ideas instead. Some complain that Jesus warned us not to call Him Lord Lord unless we actually follow His teachings, but we have learned to ignore that too! After all, if the Apostles’ Creed can completely ignore the teachings of Jesus why can’t we?

PS: It’s hard to imagine that people believe “in” Jesus… but ignore the things He taught! Maybe that good old razzle dazzle is more potent than we like to think. While you’re considering these things would you be willing to take a minute to share a link to www.theologyallstars.com with a friend or two? That would be nice and we’ll thank you if you do! God Bless.

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The Final Excommunication

What came next at the All-Star Theologians Reunion was almost beyond belief! There had been a few awkward moments to be sure but by and large the church “fathers” had behaved themselves reasonably well in spite of old disagreements. That all changed dramatically when Athanasius asked for a few moments to address the group “from the heart”. He said he didn’t have any carefully prepared remarks but simply wanted to share his feelings. This was an exceptional request from a man who had spent his entire life speaking “from the head.” Now he wanted to share what was in his heart!

Athanasius Liked to Argue!

A few people thought Athanasius might have mellowed since the great Ecumenical Council in Nicea. His request to make a few remarks at this particular session was taken by some as a clue that he wanted to sow peace and reconciliation in the Body of Christ. It turned out they were wrong. He still felt like arguing! Interestingly enough, the session he chose for sharing his heart was listed on the Reunion Program as “The Mark of the Lamb“. The theme was “By this shall all men know you are my disciples if you have love for each other.” The irony of what followed was exquisite.

Athanasius Against the World!

Athanasius’ adversaries had some pretty uncharitable nicknames for him (you’ll have to research them yourself if you’re interested). Suffice it to say his enemies were not shy about using well-placed insults when it suited them. History tells us that Athanasius was known for his adversarial and confrontational approach and was generally argumentative with everyone! Maybe it was his basic temperament or maybe he just liked arguing since he was so good at it. Athanasius even had his own brand name and became known as “Athanasius Contra Mundum” which meant “Athanasius Against the World”.

Athanasius Argued With Everyone!

Our great theologian from Alexandria argued with just about everyone! His most notable conflicts were with Arius, Eusebius and Emperor Constantine, along with Emperors Constantius II, and Emperors Valens and Julian too. Athanasius used his political connections to excommunicate and banish his religious rivals whenever he was in favor with a particular Roman Emperor. Sometimes though, the political tides would turn against him and then his rivals would exile and excommunicate him! His career was an ongoing drama of forced exiles followed by a return to ecclesiastical power… until the next time. Then the cycle would start all over again. Four different Roman Emperors excommunicated and banished Athanasius on five different occasions! That’s just how it goes when you hitch your wagon to an earthly star and Athanasius had hitched his wagon firmly to the power of the Roman empire.

Heretics, Scoundrels and Traitors

Athanasius: Beloved friends and brothers! You all know it is my custom to bring you well-reasoned and eloquent arguments for our doctrines and traditions but today my heart is stirred and the time has come for something more. I have a few things to get off my chest and want to clear the air about how some people have treated me. Most of you already know that Eusebius is a scoundrel through and through! If he wasn’t I wouldn’t have gone to all the trouble of having him banished and excommunicated in the first place. It was a great disappointment to me when afterwards he got Constantine’s ear and had me excommunicated and banished. What a rat!

Arius, Constantine and Eusebius Were All Against Him!

I was faced with Arius the heretic, Emperor Constantine the backstabber and Eusebius the weasel and they were all against me! I’m not going to bore you with all the sordid details of how they shamelessly disagreed with some of my finest theological arguments for the trinity. It is enough to say they did and they were not the only ones! Emperors Constantius II, Valens and Julian also banished me a few times after I’d been excommunicated by some second-rate bishops and councils who were just jealous of my prominence.

Athanasius Excommunicates Everyone!

What really gets under my skin is that the reunion organizers allowed some of these characters to come to this reunion and even let them speak! I can’t even tell you how ticked off I am about that! Anyway, they are such colossal disappointments I have decided to excommunicate all of them personally and permanently. Yes, that includes the reunion organizers too! I have made up my mind so there is no need to convene a council or take a vote or anything like that. Don’t go running to old Constantine either! His days are over and his power is broken. I’m warning you ahead of time. Don’t even try to argue with me because it won’t do you any good. Just remember that the creeds you know and believe in were my writings and ideas!

A Janitor Rebuked the Great Theologian

Pragmatticus was up in the rafters again and had heard all he could take. He didn’t start cussing but he did have something to say. “That’s the whole problem Smarticus! The things you argued for and established were your ideas and that’s why they caused so much trouble. You were smart enough to overwhelm your human opponents but you will never overwhelm God! If the things you taught were simply God’s words they would have brought peace and blessing to those who heard them. Your prideful words only brought division and bloodshed. The legacy of your dogma started with your arrogant claim that to be saved men had to think of God in the incomprehensible way you declared. You will be remembered for your brazen desire to banish and excommunicate anyone who disagrees with you. Thank God the Kingdom is not yours!

Athanasius: I recognize that voice! That’s the janitor Pragmatticus! Who does he think he is to disagree with me? People like him who don’t even have an advanced degree in theology really aggravate me! How did he get invited to our reunion anyway? I hereby excommunicate him too. No one gets in the Kingdom unless I say so… and I say it takes understanding and complying with the creed that bears my name!

A Still Small Voice Was Heard…

A Still Small Voice was heard saying, “Truly, truly I tell you I am the door of the sheep. I am the way and the truth and the life. No man comes to the Father but by me. I am the door. If anyone enters by me he shall be saved and shall go in and out and find pasture.”

Some listeners decided there was a big difference between what was in the heart of Athanasius and what was in the heart of God.

PS: We don’t think the Athanasian Creed expresses what is in the heart of God at all! That’s our honest opinion anyway. What’s yours? By the way… we’d sure appreciate it if you would share this website with a friend. Believing Christians should at least be aware of the perspective we try to share at www.theologyallstars.com Thanks and God Bless.

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Tradition is a Mighty Fortress

When Athanasius finished speaking on the Splendor of Tradition we headed right back over to the Seafood Buffet. We were as contented as can be! When someone suggested “Let’s get some more!” the idea was hailed as true genius. Some thought “more” meant more King Crab. The more spiritual types among us figured it was a signal that we should hear more about tradition from Athanasius! After some lively discussion we decided that these were both great ideas! Ath was always agreeable to speaking his mind so he quickly agreed to do another session the very next day. Then we all loaded up on more seafood! Everyone was excited to know that we were going to hear another great talk by Athanasius!

A Mighty Fortress Rocks the House!

It was an unforgettable experience to hear the majestic hymn “A Mighty Fortress is Our God” coming over the loudspeakers at our next session. Those magnificent bass notes shook us right down to the bone! It was just like having a huge pipe organ in the room! Pipe organs weren’t even used in churches until the 14^th century so that made it even more impressive to us. “A Mighty Fortress” wasn’t written until the 16^th century and everyone loved the sense of majesty and awe it inspired. When we found out that it was written by Brother Marty (Luther) that clinched it for us! It would be hard to imagine a more perfect beginning for what was to come.

Moderator: Brethren could it get any better than this!? We have already had some great sessions, we have enjoyed great food and we have even played the strange game called golf! I don’t know about you but I wish this could go on forever.

Audience: Let’s stay here! Let’s refuse to leave! We don’t want it to end! We love Las Vegas!

Chanting: “We won’t go! We won’t go! We won’t go!”

Moderator: I’m afraid God has other plans Brethren! The reunion committee that negotiated with God to get us here says that we have to go right back where we came from as soon as this Reunion ends.

Audience: Bummer! Unfair! Much booing.

Athanasius… Our Doctor of Dogma!

Moderator: It looks like we are stuck with the destinations we earned in our lifetimes but since we still have some Reunion time left we should make the most of it! Here tonight to help us do just that is our Doctor of Dogma and Top Dog of Triune Tradition, Athanasius!

Audience: Enthusiastic applause, clapping, and shouts of welcome back Athanasius!

Athanasius: Greetings dear friends! Let’s dig right into our topic. I plan on covering a lot of ground but don’t worry! We’re going to make it back to that great buffet in plenty of time so you can all relax!

The Kingdom Belongs to God! Tradition Belongs to Us!

Everyone knows that God intends to protect His Kingdom! Many people have learned the hard way that we intend to protect and defend our traditions! First of all, let’s review some of the factors that can make traditions succeed or fail. Just remember that God protects His Kingdom and we protect our traditions! The Kingdom is His but the traditions belong to us!

We have learned some valuable lessons from the flawed traditions that caused Israel so much trouble. You can rest assured that we have wisely avoided those flaws with the traditions we have created. Two good examples of Jewish traditions that ultimately flopped are the prohibition against doing any work at all on the Sabbath and the need for ceremonial handwashing before every meal. Let me explain!

Jesus Openly Challenged Tradition!

Jesus once took His disciples through a field of grain on the Sabbath where they started plucking heads of grain to eat (which was work). To make things even worse they started eating with unwashed hands because it’s so hard to wash your hands out in a field. The religious authorities cried FOUL! but Jesus let them know their traditions didn’t measure up. His disciples were hungry and He cared more about them than about misguided interpretations of the Law. Jesus intentionally broke Jewish tradition again by healing a man with a withered hand on the Sabbath in a synagogue right in front of God and everybody! Many people realized that Jesus was right and the way they had been observing traditions was wrong. A whole new religion was being established right in front of their eyes when Jesus openly challenged their traditions! Needless to say this really upset the authorities.

Traditions Can be Contrary to God

Jewish traditions were so hard-edged and specific it was easy to see how they resulted in calloused decisions down here on earth. Some of those traditions were totally contrary to what God wanted even though they looked good on paper. Higher quality traditions could have saved the nation of Israel a whole lot of trouble. We Church Fathers have carefully avoided the mistakes that caused Israel so much distress! Tonight I am going to show you the secrets of building traditions that can withstand the test of time! Trinitarian Dogma is without a doubt the greatest religious tradition of them all and is indeed our Mighty Fortress!

Audience: This is good stuff Athanasius! Tell us more!

Good Traditions Intimidate Average People!

Athanasius: One secret of our success is that many of the traditions we built are not easy or even possible to understand. In fact, our trinitarian tradition is so confusing and incomprehensible that we don’t really understand it ourselves and we created it! Average people are so intimidated by our scholarship and intellectualism that they hardly ever challenge us! We easily overwhelm people who question us with arguments they are unable to understand much less resist. Confounding and incomprehensible complexity is a very effective strategy and we are not afraid to use it!

The Greatest Traditions Are Abstract and Mysterious

Another secret of our success is that our trinitarian tradition is not the least bit concrete! It is so abstract that it can’t even be envisioned, which most learned scholars readily admit! Is that great or what! Our teaching is so fuzzy that it’s almost impossible for the average person to see how it could be contrary to God’s wishes. Along with that, the Trinity is an ethereal mystery that has virtually nothing to do with what we say or do down here! Nothing we do will ever make the trinity itself look bad. People will adhere to the tradition we bestowed on them in spite of our behavior! That my friends is one of the hallmarks of a truly great tradition! Israel may have blundered by developing concrete traditions but we got it right!

Behold What We Have Built!

Think about it! We have constructed a secure fortress for ourselves out of next to nothing and it has lasted nearly 1800 years! No one knows how to break down its walls and we are safely surrounded by theological traditions that few dare to challenge or question! We are experts and we are in control! If anyone even thinks about disputing our teaching we laugh them to scorn and call them heretics or simply eliminate them! It is plain to see that we have won the day! Behold what we have built!

From somewhere up above a voice was heard saying, That’s all well and good children but you should have built on something more solid than the sand of your own thoughts. Building on the words of Jesus would have been far better. “For other foundation can no man lay than that is laid, which is Jesus Christ.” But no one seemed to pay much attention.

Pomp and Rituals and Great Architecture!

Athanasius continued: Yes, yes, I know what some of you are thinking! “What about our pomp and architecture and rituals and hierarchy? Aren’t they important too?” The answer is “Yes! of course they matter!” These are things people get very attached to. They are useful accessories that decorate the walls of our Mighty Fortress and make it look genuinely religious. We like all of these things because they add a certain “Wow factor” to the traditions we have built. As far as all these things are concerned, I say the more the better!

In closing I want to make an honest man of myself and finish my remarks while there is still plenty of time for us to get back to that terrific buffet. Thank you all for paying such respectful attention. I don’t know about you but I’m sure going to miss Las Vegas when we have to leave!

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The Splendor of Tradition

We all knew the Reunion would have to come to an end someday. Soon the glorious buffets and shows at Caesar’s New Palace would be closed to us forever! Our grand Las Vegas adventure was about to end and this added an air of urgency to everything we did! An unwelcome gate crasher had showed up and even spoke against our most cherished traditions! We decided that an impassioned talk about the glory and beauty of our traditions was in order! We also wanted to make it known that anyone who did not honor our traditions would be in serious trouble!

People Create Religious Traditions!

The thing traditions have going for them (and why we like them so much) is because we make them ourselves! All you have to do is think of traditions as “do it yourself” religious projects and everything makes perfect sense. That’s why people react so violently when anyone questions their tradition because they take it as a personal attack! “Hey! That’s MY tradition you’re messing with!” And they are absolutely right… it IS their tradition. People create traditions and people keep them going. God doesn’t generally have much to do with it. Jesus said a lot of harsh things about traditions because they are usually so contrary to God’s ways!

Religious Traditions are Serious Business!

Religious customs are no laughing matter! Traditions are way too important to question. Sometimes traditions are even more important than scripture! No kidding! This is hard for some people to figure out and there are always some who just don’t get it! The question on everyone’s mind was, “What should we do about rebels who won’t treat our dogma with the proper respect?” Our first choice was to smite them with the jawbone of an ass like Samson did but finding a good jawbone from a suitable ass isn’t easy. Besides, most of the church fathers knew that talking an issue to death is nearly as effective. The next challenge was to figure out who was up to the job!

Jesus Didn’t Love the Traditions of Men

We thought about trying to book one of the Apostles but none of them were trinitarians so that idea fizzled out pretty quickly. No one even considered trying to get Jesus to show up to defend tradition. He wasn’t a trinitarian either and His stand against Jewish traditions had a lot to do with getting Him crucified.

Athanasius Was the Champion of Tradition!

Someone would have to speak up for tradition and the honor eventually fell to, who else but Athanasius! He once overturned three centuries of church teaching (ie. tradition) with his own radical ideas but he was still a perennial crowd favorite. Athanasius was one of the main architects of the trinitarian dogma that ultimately ruled Christianity for nearly two thousand years! He knew a thing or two about building and maintaining human traditions! Athanasius was eloquent and bold and not the least bit afraid to promote his own religious ideas in spite of the teachings of Jesus! The jawbone of everyone’s favorite Ath, Athanasius of Alexandria, won speaking honors by a landslide!

Athanasius Was the Defender of Trinitarian Dogma

Master of Ceremonies: Good evening everyone! We are in for a special treat again tonight! You all know we have had to cope with some unpleasant interruptions in the past few days. We don’t have a lot of time left and we certainly don’t want to spend it listening to things we disagree with! Here to silence the voices we don’t want to hear is our theological heavy hitter and defender of trinitarian dogma! Brethren I give you Athanasius! Let’s hear it for the Jawbone from Alexandria one more time!

Audience: Thunderous applause! Stomping of feet! Whistling and shouting aplenty!

Athanasius: Thank you, thank you! I know we don’t have a lot of time left at this fine Las Vegas Reunion and we all want to enjoy ourselves while we’re still here. I think we have heard enough unpleasantness from our critics and as far as I’m concerned it’s time to put an end to it!

Audience: Amen! Amen!

Take Your Pick! Scripture or Tradition

Athanasius: Brothers we live in two worlds! The first is the world of “it is written” in the holy scriptures. The other world and the one we wish to exalt tonight is the sphere of tradition which is no less important! We know that some people think Jesus condemned tradition saying “by your traditions you have made God’s laws of none effect…you worship God in vain, for the doctrines you teach are the commandments of men.” (Matthew 15). The Apostle Paul wrote, ^“See to it that no one carries you off as spoil or makes you captive by philosophy and vain deceit (fine sounding arguments) according to the traditions of men.” (Colossians 2) We should just dispense with these scriptural objections right now since those verses clearly are not talking about us! They are about other people who are not as right about things as we are! There you have it!

Our Traditions Have a Seal of Approval!

You may be wondering; how can we know which traditions are legit and which are merely human? All you have to do is listen to the certified religious authorities we call the Magisterium! In other words, WE will tell you which traditions are humanly generated and which ones are approved by God. It’s just that simple! Fortunately, our traditions have all been approved by specially trained religious experts!

Our Traditions Are of the Highest Quality!

We have an official document called a Nihil Obstat that certifies in writing that our traditions are the best available anywhere! They have our own special Seal of Approval and are published and approved under our own Imprimatur (license)! This confirms we have official permission to publish these things! These very fine Latin words are your assurance that the traditions we want you to observe are of the highest quality. Our theology and creeds have passed all these rigorous requirements with flying colors!

We Only Use Violence When Necessary

Yes, we have used force at times to convince people who wouldn’t yield to us but that’s just how it is sometimes. Burning at the stake, massacres and torture may seem harsh to some but that’s just what it took for us to finally establish our authority. We mostly only killed adversaries who called themselves Christians. In hindsight we probably should have killed everyone who didn’t believe what we wanted them to! We tried to do just that for a long time but things didn’t work out as well as we hoped in spite of our best efforts. Sadly, the days when we could use lethal force are just a fond memory. Religious violence is frowned upon these days so we are inclined to be much more gentle!

The Trinity is Our Greatest Tradition!

Today I am here to assure you that our trinitarian tradition is undoubtedly the majority opinion. If you want to go with a winner you will go with us! Just consider our Magisterium, Imprimatur and Nihil Obstats. It is little wonder that our traditions are at least equal to, if not greater in importance than what is written in the scriptures. Traditions and scripture are both important but since our traditions give us the sole authority to interpret scripture we can confidently say that tradition has won! In spite of what some reckless heretics may say, highly qualified religious professionals like us are the only people who are able determine exactly what you should believe!

In closing I trust that this short explanation has answered all your questions, calmed all your doubts and settled this issue once and for all. Now let’s head to that great seafood buffet!

Pragmatticus was up in the rafters and although he didn’t start cussing he could not keep from laughing.

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