‘Tis a Gift to be Simple

We believe in God the Father, His only begotten Son Jesus the Christ, and the Holy Spirit. Well said, well said, well said. Did the first Christians believe this? They certainly did! Do Christians today believe this? Indeed we do! So there is no problem, right? Wrong! During the early Christian centuries Romans asked believers, “Do you believe in one god or are you polytheists? And, by the way, if you are polytheists, would you mind throwing in our emperor as a god? He’s kind of touchy about this, and we’d all be good if you would just add him to your polytheism.”

Those early Christians stuck with “I believe in God the Father, His only begotten Son, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit.” They refused to add the part about the emperor, and that got them in hot water, actual hot water. Rather than accepting the Biblical story of God and His Son Jesus Christ, the theological class attempted to plumb the depths of God’s being and figure out how He could be three in one.

As the early Christian centuries moved along, so did the answer to the three gods in one question. Early theologians could have agreed some things are secrets that belong only to God, as in Deuteronomy 29:29. Unfortunately they decided it would be better to force Jesus and the Holy Spirit into the Shema, “Hear, O Israel, the Lord is our God, the Lord is one.” This led to some really interesting words being invented like homoousios and homoiousios. Never had the world heard such grand words. Never before did Christians have to choose between the “godhead” being an essence or a substance. The search for explanations of the Triune vision eventually led to teachings about triangles and eggs and water, as if God could somehow be compared to such things!

Theological greats like Justin Martyr, Irenaeus, Tertullian, and Origen focused on whether or not Jesus and the Holy Spirit were co-equal to the Father or subordinate to Him. They generally agreed on subordination. As this line of theological debate continued during the second and third centuries, Tertullian pointed out this was not a particular concern of the common man – at least not yet.

“The simple, indeed, (I will not call them unwise and unlearned,) who always constitute the majority of believers, are startled at the dispensation of the Three in One, on the ground that their rule of faith withdraws them from the world’s plurality of gods to the one only true God; … They are constantly throwing out against us that we are preachers of two gods and three gods, while they take to themselves pre- eminently the credit of being worshippers of the One God.”

The first Christians simply believed in God the Father, His Son Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit. Tertullian was clear about this. Once again though, the theological class could not leave this simplicity alone. Some Jews considered Jesus to be a man that was the Messiah. Another faction moved to full-fledged subordinationism: the Son is less than the Father and, the Spirit is less than the Son. Others answered that Jesus and the Holy Spirit must be inserted into the Shema as one but in different modes of being.

Even though the Romans stopped persecuting Christians, Christians pitted themselves one against the other over this word or that as theologians fanned that fire. It is so important to recognize the Christian split was due to bishops wanting: 1) to protect their realm, and 2) to make their realm preeminent in the Christian world. Emperor Constantine finally had enough of this. (Much more on this in another essay.) It was disturbing the Pax Romana, and it was time to do something. Constantine called together a council of bishops to meet at Nicaea and settle the nature of the godhead once and for all in order to reestablish the peace.

The Council of Nicaea in 325 was called to anathematize subordinationism and codify some administrative details. Athanasius held that Jesus must not be less than the Father but equal with the Father. Arius argued for the Son being less than the Father claiming Tertullian and Origen. The attendees were living in the emperor’s lap of luxury and were probably not too anxious to go back home, but the party had to end. In a courtroom like setting a vote was taken, and Voila! Jesus became the same substance as God and coequal with God. The simple faith that was entrusted to us was now officially on the road to Trinitarianism. Fierce theological debates followed to answer the question of what happened to Jesus the man when He became co-equal to the Father?

Quite a few more councils and centuries went by before a full-fledged Trinity was voted into existence. It was not until 381 that Theodosius made subordinationism officially illegal. Subsequent councils hammered out concepts like homoousios, homoiousios, prosopon, hypostatic union, and other officious terms. There was much gnashing of theological teeth, and bashing of theologians’ heads, but as another millennia and a half went by, Man finally defined God the Father, Jesus His Son, and the Holy Spirit. This was a great step forward! (Or not.) No longer did we have to merely marvel and wonder at the nature of Jesus. Homoousios told us all we needed to know. Eventually a finalized creed was written that told us what to believe. We can now rest easy on the hypostatic union.

No longer can we simply say we believe in God the Father, His Son the Christ, and the Spirit as those “primitive” Christians did. We must believe in a theological abstraction called the Trinity in order to be saved, and that is why Christians to this very day need theologians.

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Caesar’s New Palace

A Nice Location For The Reunion?

Finding a nice location for the All Stars Reunion was a real challenge! Some of the organizers pressed for a low cost option like a Holiday Inn near Milwaukee. Sadly, and to the great disappointment of those theologians who enjoyed a few beers now and then, they just couldn’t generate much enthusiasm for the idea. Others thought that Constantine’s old palace would be a great choice but it was in ruins and underwater and try as they might no one could think of a good way around that.

Constantine’s New Palace in Las Vegas!

Finally, after weeks of looking, one of the search committee members shouted, “Eureka! I’ve found it! Caesar has built a new palace in a place called Las Vegas and it looks perfect!

Caesar’s New Palace

Lots of rooms, food like I’ve never seen before, drinks, fountains, statues everywhere and pretty girls to wait on us! It has a nice big hall where we can meet and something they call a sound system so we don’t even have to shout to be heard!”

Famous Magicians, Illusionists and Entertainers!

Needless to say the excitement was off the charts! No one paid any attention at all to the simpletons who claimed the place didn’t really belong to Caesar. We knew better! Besides, it was available and we could book it directly through Caesar’s own servants. When we let them know that we were close associates of the Emperor himself things started moving right along. They even told us we were going to have our names up in lights along with a whole slew of other famous magicians, illusionists and entertainers! What could be better than that? We knew we were going to feel right at home in Las Vegas. Sometimes it’s just wonderful the way things work out when you are right smack dab in the middle of God’s will!

PS: If you think for a minute that we intend to have some irreverent fun at the expense of the Church Fathers who have shaped the history of the Church… you are absolutely right. We’re just getting started so please come back and visit again. We’ll never ask you for money but we aren’t embarrassed at all to ask you for help. One way you could help is by sharing a link to our website with anyone you think might be interested. www.theologyallstars.com Thanks and Blessings.

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Nicene Council Staff – Part I

The Janitor and the Servant Girl were both at the First Great Church Council (in Nicea 325 A.D.) and the much later All Stars Reunion in Las Vegas. Since they were already dead they felt they could talk about things freely. The Scribe just wanted to listen and write it all down for posterity.

The Janitor, the Servant Girl, and the Scribe

Pragmatticus (the Janitor) was a practical sort of guy who only cussed when provoked. He struggled to avoid swearing too much at church councils but sometimes all the nonsense just got the best of him. Historical accounts suggest he cussed a lot in Nicea.

Sally (the Servant Girl) witnessed the ecclesiastical combat and maneuvering going on in Nicea. She was injured in the legendary social hour brawl that took place just after the welcome prayer. Sally is still afraid of Churchmen and stutters whenever she tries to say words like denomination, tradition or creed. Theological terms are especially hard for her. Medication has failed to control her twitching when she hears the words, “Let us pray.” She still feels uncomfortable around Christians and tries to avoid religious types.

Meticulus (the Scribe) was a clear-eyed reporter who tried to see as much as he could and write it all down. He was known to be pretty serious in a light-hearted sort of way and was called Ticulus by his friends.

Church Councils Don’t Bring Peace

Pragmatticus and Meticulus met at the first Council a very long time ago and realized they had a lot in common. We found Pragmatticus cleaning up the social hall and getting things ready for the Reunion. His encounter with Meticulus and Sally follows in its entirety.

Meticulus: Well Prag you old cuss! It’s good to see you! This promises to be quite an event.

Pragmatticus: Only time will tell Ticulus, only time will tell. I sure hope things turn out better than last time they got together. I never saw a crowd who could make a bigger mess out of things! I thought they were supposed to straighten out all those big religious issues they were so worked up about! You know, stir up some harmony and peace, but all they did was fight! They sure despised each other.

The Nicene Council Was Divisive

I wonder if they knew or even cared how bad they looked to the rest of us. They were excommunicating each other left and right and then things really started getting ugly. That old Athanasius has a mean right hook and Arius could kick like a mule! They were kicking and scratching and gouging like nobody’s business. The brawl they started left the whole place in shambles. It took all the strength I had to keep from cussing a blue streak in Greek. They didn’t even try to clean up the mess they made. Sally was so put off by all their bad manners she figured the best thing was just to avoid Christians altogether, especially the ones who think they’re important.

The Meek Inherit the Earth

Meticulus: Hey isn’t that Sally setting up the punch bowl over in the corner? She sure looks nervous about something!

Pragmatticus: You probably shouldn’t call it a punch bowl around her Ticulus. Sally was just starting to serve punch when the first brawl started in Nicea and she took more than a few stray punches by the time it was all over. She still flinches when anyone even says the word punch around her. Might be a good idea to call it the beverage bowl when she’s in earshot. Poor girl still twitches a lot even on a good day.

Meticulus: Servants aren’t much good in religious fights are they Prag? They probably shouldn’t even be in places like this. Meekness is just fine most of the time, “inherit the earth” and all that but around here it’s not worth a plug denarius. I think we should get her a set of earplugs. I worry about the poor girl Pragmatticus. The more she hears the more she twitches.

Pragmatticus: Those hi-tech noise-cancelling headphones are nice but they’re pretty conspicuous. I’d hate to see her get thrown out of here just for trying to cut down on all the noise coming her way.

PS: The Reunion is just getting ready to start and there’s lots more to come! Come back soon to see what happens next… and if you have a few moments please share a link to theologyallstars.com with someone you know.

Continued…Click for Part II

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Time For A Reunion!

It Was Time For a Theologians Reunion!

It was very late in the day (but before the Second Coming of Jesus Christ) when it suddenly dawned on us that the time had finally come for a reunion! We hoped the great theologians of the church might all get together in one place and explain things to the rest of us in ways normal human beings could understand. Theologians just love to explain themselves so we had no trouble at all getting them to show up for our grand event. God even gave all of them permission to attend! Our hearts were filled with anticipation and excitement because we knew that at long last all the confusion about eternal truths would finally be laid to rest. What follows is the unabridged and unbiased account of pretty much everything that went on from beginning to end.

The “Church Fathers” Wanted Us Think Right

The ancient philosopher theologians we call “The Church Fathers” were a brilliant bunch! In their wisdom, they tried to lead us down a path of right thinking. But… is it possible that instead they ended up unleashing violence and hatred between brethren on a scale never before seen? Our fond hope is that this reunion transcript will help us see things more clearly. Someday when Jesus returns He will reveal what He thinks about our religious traditions. In the meantime we’ll just have to do our best to figure it out all by ourselves.

Romans Thought Christians Were Enemies of the State

The early disciples of Jesus traveled all over the place establishing small pockets of believers around the Mediterranean and Europe. Eventually there were enough Christians to seriously annoy the Romans for lots of reasons that seemed pretty important at the time. They were known as enemies of the state who ought to be killed or at least tortured until they came to their senses. Persecution didn’t work very well though and Christianity flourished in spite of it.

If You Can’t Beat ‘Em, Join ‘Em!

Early in the fourth century a pagan emperor named Constantine ruled that Christians weren’t so bad after all and that it wasn’t necessary to kill them anymore! It was a classic “if you can’t beat ‘em join ‘em!” strategy. Until then Christianity had flowered secretly into a host of different varieties that co-existed in relative peace. As soon as churches were free to worship openly trouble started. Who believed the right way and who was wrong? Who was a true Christian and who was not? Disputes between Christians became so intense that Constantine saw these religious divisions as a threat to the Roman Empire. The emperor just wanted an end to all the fighting.

Constantine Held a Church Council in Nicea

In 325 AD Emperor Constantine invited 3000 church officials to a council at his summer palace in Nicea. (about 300 actually showed up) The idea was that they would talk things over and iron out their differences. Then they would vote on a short statement of faith (a creed) that would become binding on all believers. Surely this would end all the conflict! What could be easier and more sensible than that? What could possibly go wrong? It turned out that a lot went wrong in a hurry!

The Nicene Creed Caused a Lot of Violence

The Nicene Creed they voted on enshrined Trinitarian dogma as the official dogma of Christianity. It also unleashed so much violence between believers that even pagans were scandalized by how much the Christians hated each other. To this day most Christians still solemnly recite the Nicene Creed every Sunday…. even if no one really understands exactly what it means. With these things in mind we could see that the only way out of this mess was to host the Theology All Stars Reunion! So that is what we have done.

Anyone Who Disagrees With Us Must be a Heretic

Heartfelt apologies are hereby offered to the disciples of any particular philosopher or theologian who may be offended by our humble reporting. Nevertheless we must press on and share this honest and accurate account of their lofty words and heroic deeds with you. Be assured there is no fake news here at all. No indeed! This officially authorized transcript is guaranteed, certified and warranted to be absolutely 100% accurate and unbiased. For this reason anyone who disputes this account is hereby declared a heretic, expelled from fellowship with those of us who have the right opinions, and banned from doing anything we consider worthwhile on behalf of or in relationship to anything that has anything to do with ANYTHING related to God. On the other hand, may God richly bless all those who agree with us.

AMEN

Let us begin…

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