Caesar’s New Palace

Caesar’s New Palace

Where Could Theologians Meet?

Finding a nice location for the All Stars Reunion was a real challenge! Some of the organizers pressed for a low cost option like a Holiday Inn near Milwaukee. Sadly, and to the great disappointment of those theologians who enjoyed a few beers now and then, they just couldn’t generate much enthusiasm for the idea. Others thought that Constantine’s old palace would be a great choice but it was in ruins and underwater and try as they might no one could think of a good way around that!

Constantine Has a New Palace in Las Vegas!

Finally, after weeks of looking, one of the search committee members shouted, “Eureka! I’ve found it! Caesar has built a new palace in a place called Las Vegas and it looks perfect! Lots of rooms, food like I’ve never seen before, drinks, fountains, statues everywhere and pretty girls to wait on us! It has a nice big hall where we can meet and something they call a sound system so we don’t even have to shout to be heard!”

Famous Magicians, Illusionists and Theologians!

Needless to say the excitement was off the charts! No one paid any attention at all to the simpletons who claimed the place didn’t really belong to Caesar. We knew better! Besides, it was available and we could book it directly through Caesar’s own servants. When we let them know that we were close associates of the Emperor himself things started moving right along! They even told us we were going to have our names up in lights along with a whole slew of famous magicians, illusionists and entertainers! What could be better than that? We knew we were going to feel right at home in Las Vegas. Sometimes it’s just wonderful the way things work out when you are right smack dab in the middle of God’s will!

If you think for a minute that we intend to have some irreverent fun at the expense of the Church Fathers who have shaped the history of the Church… you are absolutely right. We’re just getting started so please come back and visit again. We’ll never ask you for money but we aren’t embarrassed at all to ask you for help. One way you could help is by sharing a link to our website with anyone you think might be interested.    www.theologyallstars.com    Thanks and Blessings.

Copyright 2021 by Bob Shutes

Nicene Council Staff

The Janitor and the Servant Girl were both at the First Great Church Council (in Nicea 325 A.D.) and the much later All Stars Reunion in Las Vegas. Since they were already dead they felt they could talk about things freely. The Scribe just wanted to listen and write it all down for posterity. 

The Janitor, the Servant Girl, and the Scribe

Pragmatticus (the Janitor)  was a practical sort of guy who only cussed when provoked. He struggled to avoid swearing too much at church councils but sometimes all the nonsense just got the best of him. Historical accounts suggest he cussed a lot in Nicea.

Sally (the Servant Girl) witnessed the ecclesiastical combat and maneuvering going on in Nicea. She was injured in the legendary social hour brawl that took place just after the welcome prayer. Sally is still afraid of Churchmen and stutters whenever she tries to say words like denomination, tradition or creed. Theological terms are especially hard for her.  Medication has failed to control her twitching when she hears the words, “Let us pray.” She still feels uncomfortable around Christians and tries to avoid religious types.

Meticulus (the Scribe) was a clear-eyed reporter who tried to see as much as he could and write it all down. He was known to be pretty serious in a light-hearted sort of way and was called Ticulus by his friends.

Church Councils Don’t Bring Peace

Pragmatticus and Meticulus met at the first Council a very long time ago and realized they had a lot in common. We found Pragmatticus cleaning up the social hall and getting things ready for the Reunion. His encounter with Meticulus and Sally follows in its entirety.

Meticulus:  Well Prag you old cuss! It’s good to see you! This promises to be quite an event.

Pragmatticus: Only time will tell Ticulus, only time will tell. I sure hope things turn out better than last time they got together. I never saw a crowd who could make a bigger mess out of things! I thought they were supposed to straighten out all those big religious issues they were so worked up about! You know, stir up some harmony and peace, but all they did was fight! They sure despised each other.

The Nicene Council Was Divisive

I wonder if they knew or even cared how bad they looked to the rest of us. They were excommunicating each other left and right and then things really started getting ugly. That old Athanasius has a mean right hook and Arius could kick like a mule! They were kicking and scratching and gouging like nobody’s business. The brawl they started left the whole place in shambles. It took all the strength I had to keep from cussing a blue streak in Greek. They didn’t even try to clean up the mess they made. Sally was so put off by all their bad manners she figured the best thing was just to avoid Christians altogether, especially the ones who think they’re important.

The Meek Inherit the Earth

Meticulus: Hey isn’t that Sally setting up the punch bowl over in the corner? She sure looks nervous about something!

Pragmatticus:  You probably shouldn’t call it a punch bowl around her Ticulus. Sally was just starting to serve punch when the first brawl started in Nicea and she took more than a few stray punches by the time it was all over.  She still flinches when anyone even says the word punch around her. Might be a good idea to call it the beverage bowl when she’s in earshot. Poor girl still twitches a lot even on a good day.

Meticulus:  Servants aren’t much good in religious fights are they Prag?  They probably shouldn’t even be in places like this. Meekness is just fine most of the time, “inherit the earth” and all that but around here it’s not worth a plug denarius. I think we should get her a set of earplugs. I worry about the poor girl Pragmatticus. The more she hears the more she twitches.

Pragmatticus:  Those hi-tech noise-cancelling headphones are nice but they’re pretty conspicuous. I’d hate to see her get thrown out of here just for trying to cut down on all the noise coming her way.

PS: The Reunion is just getting ready to start and there’s lots more to come! Come back soon to see what happens next… and if you have a few moments please share a link to theologyallstars.com with someone you know.

Copyright 2022 by Bob Shutes

Continued…Click for Part II

Emperor Constantine Arrived

Things Got Exciting at Caesar’s New Palace!

There was a lot of excitement at the front desk when the Emperor checked in. It all started when the desk clerk asked him how he wanted to pay for his room and then asked for a major credit card. Constantine was mightily offended that anyone would ask him to pay for lodging in his own palace and things went downhill in a hurry!

Constantine Was Weary From His Travels

Desk Clerk:  Good afternoon Mr. Constantine! I see the Imperial Suite is reserved for you for all week. You just need to sign this form and provide your credit card in case there are any incidental charges. By the way, that’s a terrific costume you’re wearing! You look like a real Roman Caesar!

The Emperor: Have your servants escort me to my quarters immediately and whatever else you have said is of no importance. Make haste for I am weary from my travels and will have no more patience with your impertinence!

Desk Clerk:  I’m sorry Mr. Constantine but this is hotel policy and there are no exceptions. It only takes a minute and then we’ll be happy to take you to your suite.

Constantine Threatens the Desk Clerk!

The Emperor:  One more word young fool and I will have your head! I command you to kneel at your Emperor’s feet and your life will be spared.

Desk Clerk: Oh my goodness Mr. Constantine! Are you really threatening to kill me? That would be a real mistake even if you are just joking.

The Emperor: Enough! Emperors do not make mistakes! Guards! Slay this impudent wretch before my eyes. Do not let another breath or another word pass her lips!

Desk Clerk: (Over the hotel PA system) All Hotel Security report to the front desk immediately! Code Crazy in progress! Repeat… Code Crazy in progress. Do not delay! Suspect is deranged and threatening violence!

WARNING: The following events were captured on video tape and may be disturbing to some viewers. (Copies of the DVD are currently sold out but will be available soon.)

There were costumed casino employees on the scene looking just like Roman soldiers with fake spears and swords. When Constantine ordered them to kill the desk clerk they laughed and said, “Sure thing Connie! We’ll get right on that as soon as we finish our coffee break!” That made the Emperor so mad he commanded everyone in the room who was loyal to Rome to kill everyone who wasn’t!

Emperor Constantine Was Foaming at the Mouth!

Hotel guests couldn’t tell whether the scene was real or staged for their entertainment. The “Imperial Guards” were laughing their silly butts off. Constantine started foaming at the mouth when hotel security guards (the real ones) handcuffed him and told him to be quiet. When the Emperor commanded everyone to kneel again the lobby erupted with laughter and applause. The timing seemed perfect when the Reunion organizers and casino owners showed up and whisked everyone away to the absolute delight of the onlookers.

The Casino Wanted to Hire a  Roman Caesar!

We can only imagine the conversations that took place behind closed doors but the desk clerk seemed relieved, the “Imperial Guards” finished their coffee break and the hotel guests who witnessed it all went home with a great story to tell their friends.

Reliable sources later reported that Casino management was so impressed with Constantine’s performance that he was offered his own show at a very handsome rate. Unfortunately, for us it never happened and we must be content with these fond memories and thoughts of what might have been.

Well, that’s a true and accurate account of what happened at the Theology All-Stars Reunion when Emperor Constantine arrived. It still makes us smile just to think of it. You can share a smile with someone today by sending them a link to theologyallstars.com. Thanks and God Bless.

Copyright 2021 by Bob Shutes